Toni Lynn

What is the default parent?

Being the default parent means you’re the one who carries the primary mental and emotional load of parenting, regardless of whether both parents are equally capable or present.

It’s not just about doing the physical tasks (making meals, driving to practice, helping with homework) — it’s about being the go-to for every decision, question, and crisis. You’re the one the kids instinctively call for when they need something, the one who notices when supplies are low, remembers the school spirit day, schedules doctor appointments, and keeps track of everyone’s emotional well-being.

Some signs you might be the default parent:

• Your phone number is on every school, doctor, and sports form.
• You’re the first one called if a child is sick or something goes wrong.
• You know the shoe sizes, favorite snacks, and bedtime routines without having to ask.
• You carry the “mental checklist” for the family in your head.
• You’re the emotional anchor when things get overwhelming.

It can be rewarding to be so connected and tuned-in, but it’s also exhausting because it means you rarely fully clock out of parenting — even when you’re physically away from your kids.

A Real-Life Example

Today, I was in a Zoom group coaching session when one of my kids came in asking for snacks and water. Mind you, this child is:
a) perfectly capable of getting those things themselves, and
b) walked right past their father, who was available, to interrupt me mid-sentence.

I gently reminded them that I was busy and that their father would be happy to help.

Last week, it happened as well— this time during a Zoom therapy session. To be fair, my husband was sleeping after a long shift, but it was yet another reminder that when something is wrong, uncomfortable, or needed… I am always the first stop.

Middle of the night? I’m the one they wake when they’re sick, scared, or have a bad dream. Never their father.

It’s no wonder so many first responder spouses burn out. Our partners’ work schedules, shift work, and unpredictable calls mean we naturally fall into the default role. It doesn’t matter if you’re a stay-at-home parent, working outside the home, or working from home — you will inevitably be needed.

And often, the second we start to take time for ourselves, the interruptions begin.

So… how do we navigate being the default parent in a first responder family?

Here’s the thing — in our world, we can’t always split the parenting load 50/50. Schedules, fatigue, and the emotional toll of the job make that unrealistic. But we can find ways to offload some of the mental and physical responsibilities, even in small, intentional ways.

Here are a few practical shifts that can help:

1. Share the “extras” on off days.
   If your spouse is home in the evening, ask them to handle practice drop-off, dinner prep, or snack duty so you can use that time for yourself — even if it’s just a quiet cup of coffee.
2. Assign “one-time” responsibilities.
   Instead of always making the doctor’s appointment, ask your spouse to make it this time. Or have them take the child to the appointment. This can be an easy way to share tasks without disrupting their entire schedule.
3. Give them specific, actionable tasks.
   General asks like “help more with the kids” can get lost in translation. Try:
   • “Can you take the kids shopping for new shoes this weekend?”
   • “Can you be in charge of snacks for the week?”
4. Use their natural rhythms.
   If they’re a morning person, maybe they handle breakfast and school drop-off on days they’re home. If they’re more alert at night, bedtime routines might be their lane.
5. Trade the mental load for physical help.
   Even if you still manage the schedule, let them handle the execution — for example, you tell them what size shoes the kids need, they take them shopping.
6. Let the kids learn to go to the other parent first.
   This one takes intentional effort. Redirect them:
   • “Dad’s in the kitchen, ask him.”
   • “Mom’s available right now, go see her.”
     Over time, this creates new habits.

The heart of the matter

Being the default parent doesn’t mean we’re doing something wrong — it often just means we’ve stepped into what our unique family dynamic requires. But carrying that role 24/7, without relief, will burn us out.

The goal isn’t to completely shift the default role, but to create pockets of rest, space, and shared responsibility so we’re not carrying the weight alone.

We love our families fiercely, but we also deserve to exist as people outside of meeting everyone else’s needs. Sometimes the best gift we can give our children is showing them that teamwork and balance keep a family strong — and that both parents are equally capable of being the “go-to.”

At the end of the day, being the default parent in a first responder family isn’t about keeping score — it’s about finding a rhythm that works for everyone while protecting our own mental and emotional health. We may always carry a unique share of the load, but that doesn’t mean we have to carry it alone. Small, intentional shifts can make a big difference in preventing burnout and creating a home where both parents are the “go-to” when it matters most.

Because the truth is — even the strongest among us deserve to rest, and even the most capable need someone else to step in sometimes.

I’d love to hear from you: If you’re a first responder spouse, what’s one way you and your partner share the parenting load — or what’s one change you wish you could make?