The Emotional Bank Account Explained
Psychologist John Gottman, known for decades of research on relationships, compares the health of a marriage to a bank account. He explains, “Every time you turn toward your partner’s bid for connection, you make a deposit in what I call the Emotional Bank Account. Every time you turn away, you make a withdrawal.”
Positive interactions—like showing appreciation or listening—are deposits. Negative interactions, dismissals, or neglect are withdrawals. And just like a real bank account, if withdrawals outweigh deposits, the balance runs dangerously low.
In fact, Gottman notes, “Even small moments of turning toward each other can help maintain a positive balance.” This means a strong marriage isn’t built only on grand romantic gestures, but on everyday acts of connection.
Why First Responder Marriages Struggle With Connection
For many couples, disconnection is the real issue beneath most fights. This truth is amplified in first responder marriages, where the job itself creates unique obstacles.
- Shift work and overtime disrupt quality time
- Emotional fatigue from the job leaves little energy for connection
- Family responsibilities often pile on top of already limited time
- Unpredictability makes planning or consistency nearly impossible
Speaking from my own experience, I feel the weight of this season in my marriage right now. With my husband on graveyard shift, three homeschooled kids (two in sports and social activities), a new business, and the ongoing demands of writing and book marketing, I’ve noticed more frustration and disconnection creeping in.
It’s not that we don’t love each other. It’s that our relationship’s emotional account has had fewer deposits and far more withdrawals, and the balance feels dangerously low. The impact shows up in me—I feel more irritable, easily annoyed, and frustrated with my officer. That irritability is really a symptom of deeper disconnection. And if left unchecked, without intentional deposits, it can lead to an even greater deficit that becomes harder to recover from.
How to Make Deposits in Your Emotional Bank Account
The good news is that deposits don’t have to be big or complicated. In fact, Gottman reminds us that, “Trust is built in very small moments.”
Here are some simple but powerful deposits that matter in a first responder marriage:
- Taking a short walk together, even if it’s in the rain
- Putting the kids to bed before a night shift
- Remembering a small item your spouse mentioned needing
- Listening—really listening—when they share about their day
- Expressing appreciation for everyday efforts
These small actions may seem insignificant, but they build intimacy, trust, and resilience over time. They keep the balance in the green and prevent the emotional overdraft that can quietly erode a marriage.
Protecting Your Marriage From an “Overdrawn” Account
It’s tempting to believe you’ll make up for withdrawals later with a vacation or a big date night, but as Gottman warns, “If you keep making withdrawals without enough deposits, you’ll overdraw your Emotional Bank Account.”
For first responder couples, the consequences of an overdrawn account can feel heavy. Resentment builds, intimacy fades, and disconnection can turn into distance. That’s why consistent, intentional deposits matter so much more than occasional grand gestures.
First responder marriages are forged in unique challenges. Shift work, trauma, and daily stressors can leave couples running on empty. But when we choose to turn toward each other—through small, consistent moments of connection—we build a marriage strong enough to withstand the storms of this lifestyle.
As Gottman reminds us, “Even small moments of turning toward each other can help maintain a positive balance.”Those deposits may seem simple, but they are the foundation of love that lasts.
I know I’m not the only one who feels the weight of withdrawals in certain seasons. If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you. What are some simple “deposits” that help you and your spouse stay connected in the midst of the first responder lifestyle? Share your thoughts in the comments below so we can encourage one another.
If you’d like more tools, encouragement, and resources for navigating marriage and family life as a first responder spouse, make sure to subscribe to my blog and follow me on social media. Together we can build connection, resilience, and a community that reminds us we’re not walking this road alone. 💙
Toni Lynn 
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