Toni Lynn

I just finished reading Brené Brown’s newest book Strong Ground and there’s a chapter that stopped me not with shock but with recognition. She uses the metaphor of a boat lock to describe how we transition between the different roles we hold in life. As soon as I read it, my mind went straight to first responder families. Because if there is anyone who lives inside intense abrupt identity shifting transitions, it’s us.

A boat lock, if you’ve never watched one in action, is a chamber that allows a boat to move from one water level to another. It’s not rushed. It’s intentional. The boat must enter, pause, adjust, and only then move forward. Brené calls these phases lock in and lock through, and the more I sat with that idea, the more I realized it’s something we desperately need in our homes and relationships.

What the Boat Lock Teaches Us

The metaphor is simple but powerful.

The lock:
The protected space between roles.
A moment, minutes not hours, where we pause long enough to come back to ourselves.

Lock in:
Entering that pause, acknowledging everything we’re carrying from the role we’re leaving. The adrenaline, the anger, the heaviness, the stories we haven’t sorted yet.

Lock through:
The leveling. The reset. The shift from one water level to the next. Rising or lowering depending on the role ahead, maybe from extreme stress to calm or from home life into duty mode.

Skipping the lock:
Rushing, walking through the door still drenched in the storm you just left.

Relational capsizing:
When skipping the lock spills the turbulence from one world into another, drenching your spouse, your kids, your home.

Sound familiar? It did for me.

Why This Hits Home for First Responder Families

First responders don’t get soft landings between roles. They go from chaos to calm in minutes. From threat assessments to bedtime stories. From critical incidents to school drop offs. From the weight of someone else’s worst day to their own living room, where dinner is being served and kids are laughing.

And spouses experience their own version of this, holding, carrying, adjusting, bracing. We’re often transitioning right alongside them, whether we notice it or not.

But here’s the thing.
When we don’t create intentional lock in and lock through moments, we risk relational capsizing.
Not because we’re failing but because the human nervous system isn’t built for abrupt shifts without care.

Small Ways to Create the Lock at Home

These don’t need to be grand or time consuming. They just need to be intentional.

Create small rituals:
A deep breath before you enter the house. A moment to sit in the car and check in with yourself. A grounding song on the commute home. Washing your hands as a physical release of the day.

Protect transition times:
The 10 to 20 minutes after coming home. A quiet shower before connecting. A boundary like “Give me five to level out.”

Acknowledge what you’re leaving behind:
You don’t need a speech. Even a silent moment of honesty
That was a lot. I’m carrying heaviness. I need a minute before I shift.
can usher you into the lock in phase.

Be patient with the process:
Some days you’ll level out quickly. Some days you’ll feel like the water won’t stop churning. That’s normal. That’s human.

Why This Matters for Us

Our homes aren’t meant to be extensions of the job. And we as spouses and partners aren’t the absorbers of unprocessed chaos. The boat lock metaphor reminds us that we don’t have to power through transitions, we can create intentional space to allow our energy, emotions, and nervous system to reset.

For first responder couples and families, this practice is not just helpful, it’s protective.
It’s connection preserving.
It’s relationship strengthening.
It’s the difference between carrying the storm into the kitchen and letting the storm settle before you walk through the door.

A Final Thought

Being part of a first responder family means constantly shifting water levels. But we don’t have to be swept under by them. We can build boat locks into our days, small moments that honor the weight of the life we live while protecting the people we love most.

Lock in.
Lock through.
Rise.
Lower.
Level out.
And then step forward with intention.